Sorry!! Its been a while since my last blog, I don’t know why really, I’ve been quite busy, various new challenges popping up, and to be honest I’ve been unable to put pen to paper, as I need to get this blog out of my head!
It all come to a head at the beginning of August just gone!! Well 11 months ago now, I’m talking as if it was Yesterday!!
Or Last Week!!
Or Last Month!!
It was 11 Months ago!!
Almost a Year ago!!
I had felt it inside me bubbling away, gradually increasing in its intensity. I knew it was coming, just didn’t know when? Or how? Or what was going to happen?
It was the last week in July, when Katie and I had an argument, she became jealous of my new friend and I don’t understand why, even now to this day I still do not understand it.
It was the final straw within me and Monday 1st August I completely lost the plot, I had to get away before I had a complete breakdown!!
I got in my camper van and left… I literally took nothing with me, no phone, no clothes, no house keys, nothing… even left my dog, Prince, as I knew I was heading somewhere really dark, I didn’t know where I would end up, and how my mental state would be, deep down I knew I wouldn’t be able to look after him. Apparently I left a note to Katie, but can’t remember what I wrote.
I ended up on the Kent coast, rather than the Sussex coast, probably best really as I may have ended up at Beachy Head!!
I ended up parked at the side of the road!
To my right, a large house, which was being renovated, it looked pretty unloved, forgotten, its character and soul stripped away, and untouched for a while, looking by the dust and weeds growing in front of the gates.
To my left, a grass bank led down to the beach, where some beach huts sat in all different colours, followed by some pebbles and then the sea.
In front, I could see the pier, to far away to see exactly what was on it, but I could defiantly make out a Helter Skelter on the far end. I hadn’t been on one for years!! But ironically my life was spiralling downwards as if I was riding a Helter Skelter, down and down not being able to see around the corner, but knew I was sinking lower and lower!!
To my rear, was my life I had left behind!!
I was away about 5 or 6 days, can’t remember a great deal about it really. I remember walking and walking for miles, I knew it was dark usually by time I’d got back to the camper, I had no watch, so had no concept of time.
I was living a basic life, no TV, no Phone, no Newspaper, just a few bits of clothing which I found in the cupboards which I must have left there from my last trip away.
Washing was a little primitive, but found an outside shower between a gap in the beach huts which was free but the water was icey cold, so showering was quick and brief.
I thought I should ring Katie and let her know I was still alive, so looked for a call box, but they don’t seem to exist these days, found a couple but they had been vandalised.
So I bought a cheap pay as you go phone and some credit, then I realised I didn’t have any phone numbers with me, all my numbers were on my phone I’d left at home.
So after a while, my home number came to me, as I rang number I wondered if anyone would answer, as we never answered the home phone normally, as it was nearly always a sales call of some sort, unless it was a Sunday or Wednesday night about 7.30pm, then we’d answer as it would be my Mum and Dad calling.
The phone answered, it was Katie. I can’t hardly remember anything that was said, the only thing I can recall is she told me that my GP wanted to section me under the mental health act!!
So now my doctor thinks i’m a total nut case, great!!
“Thanks for the support Doc!!”
He is as guilty as everyone else! Thinking why I’m not back to my old self yet!!
Why can’t people get it through their skulls!!
I’m never going to be how I was!!
I’m different now!
Yeah I look in the mirror and “YES” I look the same, maybe a bit fatter, in fact definitely fatter, but I’m not so active now! I’m not doing a physical job anymore and the fatigue is hitting me like an avalanche swallowing me up!
Feel like my metabolism has got up and rang away from me!
My mojo has also left me too without even a sign of a faint shadow!
My role as “the man of the house” has been stolen from me like a piece of sentimental jewellery, you can’t just replace it!
So 11 months on!!
How am I doing?
To be honest I feel like I’m in this bubble, aware of what’s going on but not connected to the real world, as if I’ve died, and I’m between heaven, hell and earth!!
You may say “Get a grip Deano!!”
But the truth is I can’t, I’m in limbo, I’m lost in this crazy maze!!
Don’t get me wrong!!
I’m not after sympathy!!
That’s not what this blog is about!!
It’s about what I’m going through, trying to explain it in the best way I can!! Speaking as I truthfully see it!!
Maybe help others to realise that they are not alone if they are experiencing the same things as me!!
Maybe help give our friends and family an insight into our isolated world!!
No two brain injuries are the same, so this may not help everyone, but if it helps someone I’ve achieved something!!
Bye for now, speak soon x