I feel guilty saying it! But yes, since my accident I have been LONELY!
I never thought I would feel this emotion at this stage in my life, an arrogant comment really!
Your probably thinking what’s this guy on?!
He’s talking a load of rubbish!
He’s just feeling sorry for himself!
Has he lost the plot?!
Well, I am on drugs, but prescribed.
And I do witter on.
I can be sensitive, wear my heart on my sleeve.
And perhaps I have lost the plot, after all, I do have a brain injury.
But seriously, loneliness is unfortunately part of my life for now!
Will it go away?
Can I make it go away?
I just don’t know.
I know I have a family! Who I love very much.
I know I have friends, old, forgotten and new! Who I care about too!
But I’m in this different world now, it’s as if….
How can I explain this??
It’s as if I’m living in a foreign country without being able to understand or speak the language, so i’m no longer understood by the majority!
My pre-accident relationships seem to be living in the past, I look like Dean Strachan still, but I’m not the same person anymore. They just don’t get me anymore, or maybe scared to understand me, I just don’t know!
It’s not their fault! I don’t blame them, but I struggle with it. And yes, they probably struggle with it too.
I feel guilty for not being able to put everything right, but I just can’t fix it.
I know the brain injury can make me selfish so I try to prevent it happening if I can. The bouts of tiredness that hit you throughout a normal day can make your mood a bit erratic, which again I try to control. Then there is the hypersensitive noise issues which can really send you over the edge and drain your energy.
It’s strange because I connect with other people with brain injury quite easily and visa versa, it’s as if we are on a special wave length, we don’t even have to say anything sometimes, but just look at each other to agree on something or understand, or we come out with the same sentence at the same time. There is none of them expectations between us, we are like a big family. We all come from different backgrounds. We can be ourselves.
The loneliness is defiantly worse when I have not been to Headway West Kent for a few days.
I try to keep myself busy when I’m not at Headway which helps to keep the feeling away. My dog, Prince, also helps.
I tend to dread the weekends as I find they can be the worst.
This probably makes no sense to most of you, but hopefully it will help someone who feels the same way, that don’t let the loneliness eat away at you, because it will if you let it!
Easily said! But hard to come to terms with!
Anyway I must go now as I have my appointment with my neuropsychologist shortly. Hopefully she won’t lock me up and throw away the key.